Amazing Grace

There, but for the grace of God, go I.

Landon Daniel, born December 14, 2011. He is the most amazing, and perfect human being I have ever known. It's amazing that we are allowed home from the hospital with babies. What do I know about raising another human being? I am harassing friends with little ones for their wisdom and guidance. Would I know what I was doing if I was Eve? First baby ever born and she had no one to ask. One could argue it's part of her punishment along with the pain of childbirth, but I digress. When he is screaming, when he is cooing, when he sleeps, I am in awe of him. Every day he learns something new. He stares at me a little more. He pulls his legs up a little higher. God created us so perfectly that we are born with all we need to survive. We have the fingernails, the eyelashes, the small intestines that are necessary for us to grow and thrive. Even the ugly, late night wailing is amazing to me.

We were watching a movie the other night, Blue Valentine. On a side note, it was depressing and anti-climatic. However, there is a scene where the main female character goes to a clinic to have an abortion. I was holding Landon. I felt the acid rising in my throat. My eyes began to well. I had to leave the room. It doesn't matter that I am now in possession of my very heart's desire. The miraculous nature of human life never ceases to render me speechless. I have so many words for those who choose to slaughter the life inside them... My point is that it will never escape me, how deep my sorrows were over the past two years. There are so many wonderful people in this world who long for their own children. Women and men who are desperate to grow their family and fulfill their hearts' desires. I am so blessed to have my prayers answered. I will never forget that.

Ready?

I don't know why three days is such a big deal. Three days. That's how many days off my OB is for my due date. Apparently, although it hasn't been brought to my attention in over 36 weeks, my original due date is 12/20. However, due to the excellent dating abilities of early ultrasounds, it was moved to 12/17 in April. BUT, for legal and papertrail purposes, it is still 12/20. Here is why this is upsetting:

Baby is BIG. I have another u/s scheduled for 12/8 to determine if he is around 400-450g (I honestly can't remember which one they are looking for). If he is that big or GASP larger, they will HAVE to schedule me for a c section. Something about shoulder dysplasia and falling uteruses and the like that are not favorable to women having a 10+ lb baby. Dr. Winkelman hopes he comes early on his own (jumping jacks ensue) but if not, I am to be scheduled for a c section around 12/13. If at that time it looks like my body is prepping for labor, they MIGHT consider inducing me, but at that point I am just overwhelmed. Case in point of how babies start doing what they want from in the womb. Here's the pickle. Although he is size-wise at an EDD of 12/17, he is already weeks ahead in growth (92%!!). I might be able to have him naturally if they could induce me at my "size" EDD instead of the original one.  Now that just makes him three days bigger. I am over thinking this. They can't force me to do a c section, but I'm not a moron. I need to do what's best for him and me. Do I want my uterus or any other precious organ to fall out? Nope. Do I want his poor little newborn body smooshed in my pelvis because he's so big? Nope. The best I can hope for is that little (ahem!) Cletus comes early and we can get this show on the road au naturale. If not, I am happy for a safe c section delivery because in the end, it's what is best for us both.

In less foreboding news, the nursery is almost complete! The crib FINALLY arrived today and all the parts are perfect and intact (I will spare you the Babies R Us drama). I feel like his home is ready. I don't know why I let an inanimate concept frustrate and overwhelm me - I assume HORMONES are somewhat to blame. Regardless, it's a huge weight off my shoulders. I am not posting the final pictures until after he is born because part of the decor involves his name. And I know how much everyone hates that they are in the dark. Also, my beautiful sister took some adorable pictures of Dan and I. I am so happy to have something to remember this period of my life by. It's so beautiful, I really see that now.

Overwhelmed

The shower that Emily threw for us was absolutely beautiful. The decorations, the cake...everything. I am so humbled by everyone's generosity and love for this little man who has yet to show his face in the world. Thankful doesn't begin to describe how wonderful it feels to know he will truly be cared for. I don't often get to dress up and do my hair and makeup. It was such a revitalizing experience to show off the love Dan and I have that comes in the form of this large round mass in my belly. I am so proud of who we are and where we have come from. This baby has one amazing life coming his way.

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day

I AM THE FACE

Because now I am starting to freak out...

Week 31. Yup. That's right. 9 more weeks until my little Optimus Prime makes his grand entrance. Here's the deal: I can't actually wrap my brain around the DELIVERY aspect of this whole baby making thing. Sure, I want to go as natural as possible pending Dr's orders. Sure, I feel confident in my mommy survival skills as I grew up around kids and am super comfortable with them. However, the whole, "Hey, now you have to push a baby out of your vagina" part is a little...disconcerting. Dan and I have now completed the hospital tour. Next on the list is the online birthing class...yikes. And in November we have our babycare 101 class (I feel like it's more for Dan than for me but I'm sure I will get something out of it too). What I am pushing to the far nether regions of my useless brain continues to be the logistics of labor and birth. A little denial never hurt anyone...right?

Things that currently plague my dreams in addition to the exit point of said baby:
Hospital bag - just when should I be packing this and how much crap do I really need? This website amuses me greatly: The Great Big Hospital Bag Packing LIst
My water breaking in public - do I just drive myself to the hospital or do I wait for my lovely husband (who works 5 min from the hospital) to pick me up wherever I am and take me
My swollen feet - there is no amount of water intake or elevation that is going to suppress these tootsies into my size 9 shoes. In fact, a random pair of size 11's are tight on me right now.
My leaking boobs - really? Already? My worst fear is someone noticing before I do...
Preclampsia - I am predisposed to it. My swelling doesn't help. At what appointment am I going to go in and the Dr. is going to say, "Sorry lady, baby is done cooking. We've got to take him out TODAY!" Then I will openly freak about the hospital bag and disregard my fear of public leakage.
Clothing post baby - Yes, I realize I will have to still wear maternity clothes post baby. However, I own exactly one pair of jeans and one pair of khakis...I don't think I will be wearing them much around my house. My new goal: to update and class up the track suit.

All these things are stupid. I realize that. However, nothing is thought out rationally when 95% of your braincells are being sucked out by your fetus. In fact, all the planning and research I do on birthing techniques will most likely be lost the moment I go into labor. I suppose that if they can pacify me for the next 9 (!) weeks then they have served their purpose. The baby can't stay in there forever, right?...RIGHT?!

10 weeks?

Had the first of my bi-monthly appointments this week. Resounding declaration? The water weight has to stop. I saw the PA and she believes my water retention is a huge issue. It can be a sign of early preclampsia. My goal for the next two weeks is to curb my white sugar and flour intake but the PA doesn't seem to think the water weight gain has anything to do with my food consumption or activity level. Thank goodness because I have been really good lately! Dan and I go on 4-5 walks per week and I am eating healthier now than before pregnancy! Whatever will be, will be. This may just be a result of my heredity, but either way it's not good news. I think that has been the most shocking pregnancy discovery for me. I wanted to be, as my friend Tonya coined, a "pioneer woman". Women have been having babies for thousands of years, blah blah blah. At some point though, you need to give yourself over to God and nature and truly realize you are the host body to this baby. Not every woman is going to be able to function at 100% the whole nine months. I suppose my reality check has come sooner than most, but I still can't complain. This baby is healthy and thriving and according to the OB, coming early! Possibly in 10 weeks! He's measuring at least a week and a half ahead. I know a lot can change in the coming weeks, but it's still jaw dropping to me. Does it seem like 10 weeks is shorter than 2.5 months? Gotta get my hustle on!

This week's goal:
Dan is going to paint and work on the molding/paneling for the nursery
I need to finish painting and decorating the bassinet
We both need to start watching the birthing video online...pregnancy is so beautiful until you remember how this little tyke needs to enter the world!

Anniversary

Today, one year ago, we found out we lost our baby Johnny. In one year, I have been my deepest darkest self; I have been crazed and desperate; I have made deals with God; I have also been the happiest my heart can hold. I can't wrap my brain around everything that has happened to us in the past 12 months. I only know that next year this time...I will be a different woman. I will be a mommy.

Thank you Baby

Thank you for making me so uncomfortable that Daddy and I had to carry the recliner upstairs and put it in the bedroom so I could sleep. And thank you for keeping me awake anyway because you were wiggling around so much. I LOVE YOU and wouldn't trade it for the world! Funny how even though I never got more than an hour of consistent sleep last night, I'm not tired. You must really be preparing me for the fun nights ahead once your beautiful face comes into this world. I'm not going to lie. I was able to meet Tonya's baby, Tumaini yesterday and she is so beautiful and perfect...I was so jealous. I can't wait for your arrival and the next 13 or so weeks are going to feel like forever away. Just keep cooking!

Family Love

Lot's happening inside the womb this week! Last Sunday (8/28) I was at work and felt a ripping pain in my belly (yikes) which sent me to the hospital to make sure it was indeed a pulled ligament as my Dr. suspected. This led me to wear a maternity belt...which baby HATES. I put it on and immediately his kicking and screaming (I assume). I am carrying him so low (silly, because I have SO much room!) that the ligaments are under exceptional pressure. The belt holds up my belly a few inches and gives those muscles a little bit of relief. However, he's clearly annoyed because as soon as I put it on he starts squirming like crazy! Unfortunately, my Dr. said that I need to cut back on high traffic times at work when I am standing for long periods of time. I also can't lift anything heavier than a gallon of milk. This means no more night shifts and only a couple lunch shifts during the week. I knew I would have to cut back at some point but I felt a little powerless that it has come so early. I was super depressed about it immediately. I take pride in working and paying my bills. I know Dan would never blame me for a pregnancy induced "handicap" and we can survive on his income. It was simply hard to swallow the lack of control. I guess it was jarring realization that my body is truly a vessel. I have to honor what my body says I can and cannot do. Who am I to second guess what nature has provided me?

Since I have been wearing the belt almost all the time, baby has been moving A LOT. In fact, while wearing the fetal monitors at the hospital on Sunday, the nurse was surprised my little Cletus/Optimus Prime was moving as much as he was for then 24 weeks. I have been so blessed to feel is crazy flip flops and kicks since 15 weeks. My mother in law was able to feel him move yesterday. I put on the belt (am I already torturous?) and before long he was jumping and jiving. She felt him move and watched as my belly bounced all over the place. I know it was a special opportunity for her and I'm so glad baby showed his love and showed off his moves. Dan loves to feel him. It's so wonderful that he finally has a connection with his son. He talks to him and is already razzing him from the outside. If he had it his way, he would solicit fantasy football advice from Cletus...for now, Mommy has to suffer that boring conversation.

Thank you Lord for every kick to the belly button and every 45 minute run to the bathroom. It's totally worth it.

Large

That's me. I am huge. I have only gained about 20 lbs now (depending on if I weigh myself before breakfast or after of course) but everything is bigger on me. My legs are like tree trunks and my arms...they are out of control. I feel very uncomfortable in my skin. I actually held up a maternity shirt which I had purchased a long time ago and thought that it was way too big to wear...it fits damnit. I got my hair colored today and after staring at myself in the mirror for a couple hours I got really freaked out. My body is truly a vessel at this point. It's sole purpose is to house and grow this little man. Pardon me as I wear sweaters and pants from now until December.