April 19, 2011...One year to the day after I was laid off...the end of busy season for Dan...and the day Johnny would be due. For a long time I wanted to go to the cemetery. I visit my friends who have passed and ceremoniously family members as well. I thought maybe it would give me some closure. But you know what? There is no closure. What happened was unfair and awful and perpetuated my own internal downward spiral the past seven months. There is no way to close that chapter of my life. It's part of me. It's why I do the things I do and why I am who I am now. I will be a better mother some day because of all this. I will have an appreciation for that little life that few will understand. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, " Proverbs 3:5
So many people can go the other way when faced with tragedy and adversity. Why me?! Why God?! I don't know what made me cling to the idea that something bigger and better is in store for me. Maybe it was the sleeping faith I always had. Maybe it was logic eventually sinking in that God trains others to be beacons of light and positive examples for those around them. Someone, someday, is going to need to hear my story and how I survived the darkest part of my life and how I never conceded to the devil and his nagging thoughts in the back of my mind.
Dan provides a fabulous distraction. Now that busy season is over and he is in the midst of his "staycation", his is home with me during the day...all...day. He has completely disheveled my routine. I guess I needed it.
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