I don't know what to title this...

Today was my "soul sista", Tonya's, baby shower. She is one of the most fabulous, wonderful people I know. She deserves this miracle baby and she has so many wonderful things to teach and pass on to him or her. She is due in about five weeks. Right when #2 for us would have come into this world. I had a lot of demons that kept me from being overjoyed (like I absolutely, most sincerely am) and comfortable with her and others even when Dan and I knew we were pregnant. It is still very hard for me to talk about our baby to others when they congratulate me. I don't know what to say. I don't want to be the center of attention. Yes, I am thrilled. Yes, I have my own strong opinions about labor, birth and child rearing. I am cloth diapering and making my own baby food. I could talk to you for hours about that. But about being pregnant? About my changing body? About my feelings? About finally being a mother? I am stumped. I still don't think I have quite perfected that leap to optimism. Every day I fear for this baby. Every day I thank God that he is healthy and thriving. Every day I am sad for my angels in heaven. There is no on and off switch for grief. There is no right or wrong. It doesn't matter that at over 21 weeks I now have a healthy baby growing inside me. It's a slow progression. I know it's a progression. I feel less angry and resentful. Anger and resentment that I didn't want to feel towards others, towards those I love. Emotions I hated feeling inside me are dissipating. I feel my heart softening. I feel God's grace surrounding me. But every day is a challenge. Not until I hold my son in my hands will I have the peace I have seeking. And then I will worry about something else.