January 31

I'm not ashamed, I'm not embarrassed. Sure, maybe everything going on in my life is no one's business. Maybe no one even cares. Whatever. For me, it relieves pressure. Pressure no one else knew existed. Pressure that mounts to a point where one cross word or reference or gesture can ignite the firework inside me and I'm afraid my head just might pop off. If family or friends know all of this, if they know my rattled inner thoughts or daily struggles, then good for them. I don't want their sympathy. I don't want their condolences or their pity. It literally makes it easier to be around them. If I am having a shitty day, I don't have to explain myself. If I excuse myself why you insist on speaking of your best friend's little ittle cutie wootie baby, you know why. I don't hold it against you, I don't care, I just don't want to hear about it. But that also doesn't mean I don't love you. It doesn't mean I don't love your babies or your families. Sometimes it's just hard. This is a constant ebb and flow for me. I am trying really hard to live my life in the honor of my angels. It's not easy, I have bad days. I have good days too. Tomorrow, for instance, GREAT day ahead! Minus the blizzard of a century (literally folks, it's 2011 here!), I have an interview (which I have already been told is mute because I am actually working tomorrow ::grin::) in RADIO, my actual field of interest; I have the most amazing hubby who already booked us a Valentine's Day weekend getaway (okay so it's overnight down to ISU after he's worked a full day and I work the next but I take what I can get and he is incredibly thoughtful for coming up with it!); and, I am heading in the direction of getting answers with Invia Fertility. I have plenty of things to be thankful for, but that doesn't dismiss a terrible horrible no good very bad day. What's my point? I need this. I need to let out how I feel, I need to freak out, I need to share. If my cryptic message on Facebook makes people gossip about what's going on in my life, or makes them look here, so be it. This is my life and I'm not ashamed. It might not be your business, but it sure is easier on me that you know.