Today (ass in high gear after three hours of sleep? four? I worked late and went to bed late and was up by 6. No deal for a woman trying to control her ch'i and rest her womb) , I was at little G's house because Mama had to go to a Dr. appointment and work and he wasn't up yet. I sat there for about half an hour with my legs in the air (Gee can you imagine why?!) and I hear a rustling upstairs. G's house is like my unit but opposite, so although I have never been upstairs, I know what it looks like. I peek around the bannister and at the top of the stairs I see this little body in these little boxer briefs (I could put him in my pocket, seriously he is so cute). He cocks his head to the side, pondering the meaning of my existence I assume, as I am not usually the first face he sees in the morning. After about four seconds he blinks and says, "I got a new Transformers game, I played it last night and..." he trails into some explanation about decepticons and autobots and allsparks and such. I just started smiling as I jogged up to the top of the stairs and scooped him up. He melts my heart. Clearly he feels comfortable around me and it's incredibly affirming that I may actually be a good parent at some point. Although I live in constant fear of losing my next baby, I am working hard at shedding positive light into my negative little cave. G's response to me warms my heart. I feel effective and appreciated by him.
The next couple weeks are going to be a rough wait for me. I know there are people that know exactly what Dan and I are going through right now and I feel a little bit of pressure. I brought it all on myself because I have been open with most who have asked about out struggle. However, I have my own demons to conquer and I hope not to feel the stress of others wondering if we have a BFP or not. The truth is, even if we are positive this month, there are still a lot of battles to overcome. Getting P in the first month of trying (although highly planned and choreographed) will still be miraculous. The next battle then is checking all my blood work and u/s. THAT is my fear. A chemical pregnancy or mc would put us back at square one. Unless I made it far enough along for another D&C to test, the Dr wouldn't even know where the problem lies. This is why I have to stop. I freak myself out anytime I let my brain go there. The perpetual self torture doesn't help anyone and we don't want a "hostile uterus" (penned by my lovely husband) so I have to slap myself every time I open that door.
On a positive and slightly humorous note: I didn't slap the nail salon tech today when she asked if I was married (uh, oh, I know where this is going), and I said yup, going on three years now. Then came the baby question. Nope I said, not yet. Ahhh then the rubbing alcohol on my bleeding heart: But why? You are young! You should have many!...You know what? I didn't kill her. I looked at her politely and smiled. We didn't think it would be so hard and take so long...Awkward silence. For her, not me. Take that! I know people are just making conversation when they say things like that. HOWEVER, I have learned the hard way that it's none of your damn business if and when people are going to have a family. Heed my words all ignorant fools, don't ask a woman about her weight, her true hair color, her age or the status of her family. If she isn't a zen centered woman like myself (at this particular moment on this particular day) she may very well bitch slap you into next Tuesday. And you, my friend, would deserve it.
I also felt a genuine happiness for my wax tech (I have a lot of "techs" it seems) as I hugged her today because her baby is due in four weeks. I will have to see a sub for the next couple rounds of masochism due to her maternity leave. She is happy and will be a great mom. She seems to be seizing this unexpected situation and turning it into the most important job of her life. It also reiterated my thankfulness that if and when Dan and I are graced with a rainbow baby, I will not have to go back to work in four weeks because I can't pay my bills. My loving husband has enough brains to work for an excellent company that compensates him well for the 70 hours per week (busy season hey hey!) he is working so that when we ave kids I will be able to go back to work when I want and/or need the extra spending money. Although my tech is due two weeks after Johnny, I don't feel resentment. She is going to have a rough go at it with her baby daddy being on the other side of the country, and I am again appreciative of the world I will be bringing my future child into.
Will my world every be non baby obsessed? Probably not. My work life right now is not personally challenging. Busy, but not challenging on a personal or physical level. Dan is gone a lot so it's hard to even focus on our relationship until busy season is over (two and a half weeks! Woot woot!) I know I will be a mom some day and my greater purpose will be revealed. Until that point I have to count my blessings and bide my time. Here's to the dreadful 2WW and the miracle baby we have been dreaming of.
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