Comparatively it's insignificant. To me, it's the most important ongoing event in my life. I am sitting on my hands. I am reevaluating every twinge and pull and cramp. But I still feel like I have dug myself into a hole. If I am pregnant, how do I not tell people? Why would I not tell people? Because I somehow think it's easier to go through another loss alone? That's stupid. Anyone I would tell would be there to love and support us. I still struggle with this. With so many people knowledgeable of our struggle, there is this looming pressure to keep everyone informed. If I'm not pregnant...how do I tell people? Do I care? I want to be burly and brash and blow it all off...but I can't. To me, the blow of not being pregnant or something awful happening is not just the perpetual crush of a dream, but another blockade I can't overcome. There are a lot of things I want to move past emotionally when I get pregnant that I know I won't have a dream of conquering until I see those two pink lines and I know they will stick. There are people I want to let back into my life and love I want to share that I am not strong enough to engage in right now.
Please Jesus, let this be the baby that chooses us.
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