Joy

The biggest struggle I have been facing is being happy. Seems so simple. Geez Rach, you got everything you wanted, you should be happy now. Hmmmmm. My husband is an amazing, strong and brave man. He has been my rock the past year and when I didn't know I needed him, he was there. He is finally starting to show some joy. The terror of what we have been through has jaded him to the core. He doesn't want to get attached. He doesn't want to laps for even a moment, because he knows my ability to function will lie with him if something goes wrong. Seeing him so stoic is a guttural reminder to me. I have these unresolved fears in the back of my mind, pillaging any excitement that a normal personal would have at this point in her pregnancy. This is the hard part. Just be happy Rach. I know so well that joy and sorrow are not mutually exclusive. And joy does not make sorrow easier or harder. I don't know why the natural reaction is self preservation and breath holding when logic so clearly states that should something go wrong, it doesn't matter how reserved I was...this loss would be devastating. I need to focus on the positive. I need to hang on the excitement of others. This baby needs my good energy. My body is healthy, this baby is healthy. Lord let me find the joy in my heart and hang on tight. Rub Rub Rub Pray Pray Pray.